eyes like a shutter. mind like a lens.

Every now and then I find myself reflecting back on my childhood. It's interesting the selected memories we keep. I remember running around my backyard in my underwear with squiggle pens at dusk, it was my birthday. These memories play over in my mind like a silent film on a projector. I remember my best friend pulling the finger at me and feeling completely confused on why I felt hurt by a middle finger. I remember learning swear words in the top of the wattle tree. I remember learning the meaning of 'molested' because I was a fan of Michael Jackson. I remember winning third in a running race on sports day because they girl in front of me fell into a pot hole and spranged her ankle. Then there are the memories that are completely fabricated. I have a memory of being put into the car after falling asleep at a John Farnham concert however my mum assures me we were never ever at a John Farnham concert. So why the memory? Perhaps just a fucked up dream that has snuck its way into my memory register.

Looking back, I realised that I was quite the racist child. I remember walking home with my mum one night and telling her that I would never marry a black man. I was seven. As mentioned above, I was a big Michael Jackson fan (still am) and after seeing a photo of a little African American boy who mum explained was Michael Jackson as a child, I cried on my bed. My little nine year old mind was spinning to figure out how a little black boy grew up to be a white man. And then there was the neighbours of my best friend, they were Aboriginals. Her bible bashing mother banned us from playing with the kids next door because apparently they were unhygenic and bad influences and I believed her. Somehow I managed to grow up open minded without a single racist bone in my body but boy was that a weird stage of life!

I got to wondering why these childhood memories pop in my mind. In time of chaos and uncertainty, could it be a friendly reminder of the person you once were? Innocent and free. I've been spending more time with my sister because being around family grounds you like nothing else. The people that have known you since birth can somehow take all the pettiness and confusion out of your problems and for a moment you feel like that little girl again running around in her underwear in the backyard with squiggle pens.