I had a dream you were a big African

guy that called me a child and then

laughed. I walked away crying swearing

I would never have anything to do with you 

again. Even though it wasn't really you.

I looked back and missed your skinny

white boy legs.

speak and spell.

Time has passed by quickly that it feels somewhere between September and October already. I've been a happy balance of both busy and lazy but I feel so exhausted, physically and emotionally, that time has lost all meaning. I'm into my third week of school and I have that first grade glow about me when I'm there. When I'm not there, I forget I actually have school work to do and finding the motiviation to do it is like trying to find the motivation to slit my wrists, I just don't want to.

I think part of the reason I don't write on this little blog anymore is because I'm sick of writing about my bullshit problems and trivial rants. I'm sick to death of hearing about it, I'm sure others are. And besides, I've made a promise to myself that this year I try to be more private. I have this problem you see, I'm an open book. You can read my facial expressions as clear as black and white. Even my face denies me the right to be mysterious. And if I'm not failing to keep my own secrets then I'm projectile vomiting it out to anyone with ears and a brain. Talk less. Think more.

Dear Miss Taylor,

"Congratulations, you have been offered a place at RMIT University in 2010...."

Finally.

And I'm not complaining about the long wait to recieve such positive news, I mean, FINALLY I have followed through with something I truely want for myself and I achieved just that. Every year I would come up with some pipe dream to study and every year would end with me saying "perhaps next year". But not this time. This time I did it.  It doesn't come with out hurdles and changes and debt beyond my mental capacity but all that takes backseat because now I have something positive to put all my energy into.

I use the word 'backseat' loosly and almost quite literally,  all those problems are still causing me to stress to the point of enlarged organs (thats another story) they're literally like the annoying children in the backseat screaming at me, "ARE WE THERE YET?! ARE WE THERE YET?!". I have to keep stopping myself from turning around and screaming right back, "DON'T MAKE ME TURN THIS CAR AROUND!".  Because, can I really do this? Can I go back to school and do well? It's been almost 6 years since I last studied and I remember being 17 and hating it. Although, I'm older now and sometimes like to think myself wiser but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't filled with nervous butterflies.

I think I'll be one of those nerdy uni students, perhaps I'll even swap my contact lens for thick, black rimmed glasses and quote lines from Woody Allen films. I'll wear baggy cardigans and no make up and start eating sushi. Who am I kidding? I fucking hate sushi.
I have other interesting and confusing events taking place but I'm keeping this one close at heart. I wouldn't know where to start anyway.