quelqu'un m'a dit

Grandma.

Yesterday a close friend told me that she took to my blog to find out what I've been up to as we have been quite mia from each other's lives lately. I shook my head and said that I was sorry, the blog will tell you nothing except recently I had a panic attack and visited the Botanical Gardens with family. BORING. Well, not for me at least. I've been quite content laying low. My biggest thrill of an evening is watching Masterchef and gaining length in my baby blanket that I'm knitting. I'd much prefer to drink tea than drown myself in pots of carlton beer and I look forward to wiping the make up off rather than applying it. Not to say I don't enjoy drinking wine with my girls and having fun but this time last year I was waist deep in a puddle of chaos and blind drunk to whom my friends and enemies were. Not anymore. With age comes wisdom, right? I actually look forward to the days when I'm an old grandma perched up on my little armchair (I'll probably shrink by then so my feet will dangle over the edge) and I'll be happily knitting for the grandkids and making tea for me and my husband who has probably lost his teeth by then so can't bite through the caramel slice I've baked. We'll argue over the remote control but not when Masterchef comes on. Dear God, that show better still be on when I'm old! And excuse me, for now I prefer the nanna life.

pieces of the people I love

fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.

rabbit heart

Change is in the air. I can smell it. New beginnings and new surroundings. I woke up yesterday feeling on top of the world and as I played Florence and the Machine on my ipod, I was basically skipping to uni. My body was rattled however at 12:30pm when my phone rang with an unexpected number flashing at me. I sat there staring at it for a few seconds screaming in my head, Why? Fuck! Panic! And then, my day was all about butterflies in the stomach and shaking hands. But for some reason, that didn't alter my mood. I was still skipping, only now I was hiding the fact I was on the verge of projectile vomiting. It wasn't just that phone call that had my nerves all tangled in a bow, I had my first oral presentation in Screen class and I was more terrified of speaking in front of everyone than having my head chopped off. Decapataion was more appealing, something wasn't right. Even though I was prepared and had read over and over every word I had written I then realized that this was the first time I had to read out my writing and I was fucking shitting myself. My time came to face the class and even though I read well and clear, I'm pretty sure I looked like Michael J Fox up there shaking so badly. Even though I got great feedback I still couldn't contain my anxious gut feeling, not until it was bed time. Am I really that easily rattled? one confusing yet nice phone call and an oral presentation and I'm fucked for the rest of the day? Isn't there medication for this. I guess there's weed but I'm not really keen on being that stoner chick who hangs out at skate parks. I guess in time my confidence will conquer these sorts of situations. And less coffee.

I'm still in love with who you used to be.

I want to do it your way this time.

I felt the tiny little kick of the baby inside my sister's growing tummy and right then and there, all the bullshit my life seems to draw in dissappeared. What is important to me these days has changed. No longer am I trying to hunt down the man with the substances to heighten my night and I can see clearly now who loves me for who I am. I know I have flaws but I think there's beauty in all my imperfections. There has to be right? If not, then we'd all be walking robots, doomed to succeeded without learning any of life's lessons. I know I've learnt mine.

Recently at a dinner party I looked around the table and realised how talented all my lovely friends are. So I got thinking and decided to channel all this bad energy I'm trying to rid myself of into something great. This little project of mine is still to be concieved and I guess you can kind of call it two drunk teenagers on the verge of having sexual relations for the first time. Clueless yet determined.