welcome to my world.

*Learning to knit. Secretely I'm on a mission to knit a wonderous city but really, I'm knitting a blanket.

*Co-existing with a spider in the lounge room. His movements are recorded everyday and I fear he is getting closer to my side of the room.

*Sticking my head in the gas oven to light it for my baking adventures. I'm not sure if the taste of the goods beats the risk of death.

*Attending surprise 70th birthday parties only very calmly jumping out at the elderly as sudden noises may result in well, sudden death.

*Watching my sisters belly get bigger every week as the tiny human inside of her grows.

*Learning that a sack of goon is not your friend.

*A trip to Flemington Station at 6am when a bullshit cab driver doesn't listen to directions. Thanks man, I really enjoyed that half an hour ride in your vehicle to get from Pony to North Melbourne.

*Walking in boots lopsided.

*Killing babes.

play dates

When you're young all you want is to be taken to the park. To see how high you can go on the swings, to climb up the slide instead of sliding down, to pretend the fort is a pirate ship, to play catch and kiss while your parents aren't watching and in that time you make new friends and get your hands dirty. You grow up and you find yourself a new playground. But not much has changed, you're still trying to get high, still trying to climb the social ladder, still pretending and games of catch and kiss are only more fun. Innocence lost.

Now boys with dimples sneak kisses inbetween pulp fiction dance moves underneath the velvet curtain. Perfection truely does exist. Your water bottle of wine is bottomless and trips to the bathroom are filled with gossip and lipstick. Now you're supervised by security. Games are played, hearts are won and home time is usually when the sun rises.The playground has never been more fun.

shades of grey

It's easy to forget everything that is right in your life. You take the bad and magnify it so that it clouds anything worthy of your time. This is a habit I'm trying hard to overcome. I've found myself wanting to step back into the shadows of a social group I've been apart of for 4 years now and reassessing everything and everyone that is of importance. Not to say I don't appreciate every friendship I have formed over the years and even new ones found recently but as you grow you learn who is there to better your existance and who is only there to suck any ounce of confidence and fun you own.

It's a harsh realisation when the ones you cared about for so long no longer exist in your life because when it comes down to it, you were never really friends. Just two humans occupying each other's space for a while, providing an illusion of respect and kindness. Because of this I hope to meet new people. Easier said than done really. Unless you're backpacking around Europe and wearing the same clothes for a week, people don't usually come up to you just to chat and find out who you are and what you're about. It's sad really. Because of this I've been craving travelling again. My bank balance suggests that is not an option right now. Sigh.

Every couple of weeks after a complete meltdown I find myself trying to think up ways to improve this fucked up situation I'm in. None of which have been put into action yet, another habit I'm trying to kick; laziness. A patronising, mind fuck of a distant friend once said to me to be confident and happy in my youth, put all my brilliant talents and work hard then great things will find me. Even though I wasn't asking for my fucking star sign, thank you. Thank you for reminding me that I have a lot more important things to invest my energy into.

eyes like a shutter. mind like a lens.

Every now and then I find myself reflecting back on my childhood. It's interesting the selected memories we keep. I remember running around my backyard in my underwear with squiggle pens at dusk, it was my birthday. These memories play over in my mind like a silent film on a projector. I remember my best friend pulling the finger at me and feeling completely confused on why I felt hurt by a middle finger. I remember learning swear words in the top of the wattle tree. I remember learning the meaning of 'molested' because I was a fan of Michael Jackson. I remember winning third in a running race on sports day because they girl in front of me fell into a pot hole and spranged her ankle. Then there are the memories that are completely fabricated. I have a memory of being put into the car after falling asleep at a John Farnham concert however my mum assures me we were never ever at a John Farnham concert. So why the memory? Perhaps just a fucked up dream that has snuck its way into my memory register.

Looking back, I realised that I was quite the racist child. I remember walking home with my mum one night and telling her that I would never marry a black man. I was seven. As mentioned above, I was a big Michael Jackson fan (still am) and after seeing a photo of a little African American boy who mum explained was Michael Jackson as a child, I cried on my bed. My little nine year old mind was spinning to figure out how a little black boy grew up to be a white man. And then there was the neighbours of my best friend, they were Aboriginals. Her bible bashing mother banned us from playing with the kids next door because apparently they were unhygenic and bad influences and I believed her. Somehow I managed to grow up open minded without a single racist bone in my body but boy was that a weird stage of life!

I got to wondering why these childhood memories pop in my mind. In time of chaos and uncertainty, could it be a friendly reminder of the person you once were? Innocent and free. I've been spending more time with my sister because being around family grounds you like nothing else. The people that have known you since birth can somehow take all the pettiness and confusion out of your problems and for a moment you feel like that little girl again running around in her underwear in the backyard with squiggle pens.

I had a dream you were a big African

guy that called me a child and then

laughed. I walked away crying swearing

I would never have anything to do with you 

again. Even though it wasn't really you.

I looked back and missed your skinny

white boy legs.

speak and spell.

Time has passed by quickly that it feels somewhere between September and October already. I've been a happy balance of both busy and lazy but I feel so exhausted, physically and emotionally, that time has lost all meaning. I'm into my third week of school and I have that first grade glow about me when I'm there. When I'm not there, I forget I actually have school work to do and finding the motiviation to do it is like trying to find the motivation to slit my wrists, I just don't want to.

I think part of the reason I don't write on this little blog anymore is because I'm sick of writing about my bullshit problems and trivial rants. I'm sick to death of hearing about it, I'm sure others are. And besides, I've made a promise to myself that this year I try to be more private. I have this problem you see, I'm an open book. You can read my facial expressions as clear as black and white. Even my face denies me the right to be mysterious. And if I'm not failing to keep my own secrets then I'm projectile vomiting it out to anyone with ears and a brain. Talk less. Think more.

Dear Miss Taylor,

"Congratulations, you have been offered a place at RMIT University in 2010...."

Finally.

And I'm not complaining about the long wait to recieve such positive news, I mean, FINALLY I have followed through with something I truely want for myself and I achieved just that. Every year I would come up with some pipe dream to study and every year would end with me saying "perhaps next year". But not this time. This time I did it.  It doesn't come with out hurdles and changes and debt beyond my mental capacity but all that takes backseat because now I have something positive to put all my energy into.

I use the word 'backseat' loosly and almost quite literally,  all those problems are still causing me to stress to the point of enlarged organs (thats another story) they're literally like the annoying children in the backseat screaming at me, "ARE WE THERE YET?! ARE WE THERE YET?!". I have to keep stopping myself from turning around and screaming right back, "DON'T MAKE ME TURN THIS CAR AROUND!".  Because, can I really do this? Can I go back to school and do well? It's been almost 6 years since I last studied and I remember being 17 and hating it. Although, I'm older now and sometimes like to think myself wiser but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't filled with nervous butterflies.

I think I'll be one of those nerdy uni students, perhaps I'll even swap my contact lens for thick, black rimmed glasses and quote lines from Woody Allen films. I'll wear baggy cardigans and no make up and start eating sushi. Who am I kidding? I fucking hate sushi.
I have other interesting and confusing events taking place but I'm keeping this one close at heart. I wouldn't know where to start anyway.