rabbit heart

Change is in the air. I can smell it. New beginnings and new surroundings. I woke up yesterday feeling on top of the world and as I played Florence and the Machine on my ipod, I was basically skipping to uni. My body was rattled however at 12:30pm when my phone rang with an unexpected number flashing at me. I sat there staring at it for a few seconds screaming in my head, Why? Fuck! Panic! And then, my day was all about butterflies in the stomach and shaking hands. But for some reason, that didn't alter my mood. I was still skipping, only now I was hiding the fact I was on the verge of projectile vomiting. It wasn't just that phone call that had my nerves all tangled in a bow, I had my first oral presentation in Screen class and I was more terrified of speaking in front of everyone than having my head chopped off. Decapataion was more appealing, something wasn't right. Even though I was prepared and had read over and over every word I had written I then realized that this was the first time I had to read out my writing and I was fucking shitting myself. My time came to face the class and even though I read well and clear, I'm pretty sure I looked like Michael J Fox up there shaking so badly. Even though I got great feedback I still couldn't contain my anxious gut feeling, not until it was bed time. Am I really that easily rattled? one confusing yet nice phone call and an oral presentation and I'm fucked for the rest of the day? Isn't there medication for this. I guess there's weed but I'm not really keen on being that stoner chick who hangs out at skate parks. I guess in time my confidence will conquer these sorts of situations. And less coffee.

I'm still in love with who you used to be.

I want to do it your way this time.

I felt the tiny little kick of the baby inside my sister's growing tummy and right then and there, all the bullshit my life seems to draw in dissappeared. What is important to me these days has changed. No longer am I trying to hunt down the man with the substances to heighten my night and I can see clearly now who loves me for who I am. I know I have flaws but I think there's beauty in all my imperfections. There has to be right? If not, then we'd all be walking robots, doomed to succeeded without learning any of life's lessons. I know I've learnt mine.

Recently at a dinner party I looked around the table and realised how talented all my lovely friends are. So I got thinking and decided to channel all this bad energy I'm trying to rid myself of into something great. This little project of mine is still to be concieved and I guess you can kind of call it two drunk teenagers on the verge of having sexual relations for the first time. Clueless yet determined.

Everybody likes to add in their two cents on a situation they know nothing about and is quick to look at you with judging eyes. If only you knew.

welcome to my world.

*Learning to knit. Secretely I'm on a mission to knit a wonderous city but really, I'm knitting a blanket.

*Co-existing with a spider in the lounge room. His movements are recorded everyday and I fear he is getting closer to my side of the room.

*Sticking my head in the gas oven to light it for my baking adventures. I'm not sure if the taste of the goods beats the risk of death.

*Attending surprise 70th birthday parties only very calmly jumping out at the elderly as sudden noises may result in well, sudden death.

*Watching my sisters belly get bigger every week as the tiny human inside of her grows.

*Learning that a sack of goon is not your friend.

*A trip to Flemington Station at 6am when a bullshit cab driver doesn't listen to directions. Thanks man, I really enjoyed that half an hour ride in your vehicle to get from Pony to North Melbourne.

*Walking in boots lopsided.

*Killing babes.

play dates

When you're young all you want is to be taken to the park. To see how high you can go on the swings, to climb up the slide instead of sliding down, to pretend the fort is a pirate ship, to play catch and kiss while your parents aren't watching and in that time you make new friends and get your hands dirty. You grow up and you find yourself a new playground. But not much has changed, you're still trying to get high, still trying to climb the social ladder, still pretending and games of catch and kiss are only more fun. Innocence lost.

Now boys with dimples sneak kisses inbetween pulp fiction dance moves underneath the velvet curtain. Perfection truely does exist. Your water bottle of wine is bottomless and trips to the bathroom are filled with gossip and lipstick. Now you're supervised by security. Games are played, hearts are won and home time is usually when the sun rises.The playground has never been more fun.

shades of grey

It's easy to forget everything that is right in your life. You take the bad and magnify it so that it clouds anything worthy of your time. This is a habit I'm trying hard to overcome. I've found myself wanting to step back into the shadows of a social group I've been apart of for 4 years now and reassessing everything and everyone that is of importance. Not to say I don't appreciate every friendship I have formed over the years and even new ones found recently but as you grow you learn who is there to better your existance and who is only there to suck any ounce of confidence and fun you own.

It's a harsh realisation when the ones you cared about for so long no longer exist in your life because when it comes down to it, you were never really friends. Just two humans occupying each other's space for a while, providing an illusion of respect and kindness. Because of this I hope to meet new people. Easier said than done really. Unless you're backpacking around Europe and wearing the same clothes for a week, people don't usually come up to you just to chat and find out who you are and what you're about. It's sad really. Because of this I've been craving travelling again. My bank balance suggests that is not an option right now. Sigh.

Every couple of weeks after a complete meltdown I find myself trying to think up ways to improve this fucked up situation I'm in. None of which have been put into action yet, another habit I'm trying to kick; laziness. A patronising, mind fuck of a distant friend once said to me to be confident and happy in my youth, put all my brilliant talents and work hard then great things will find me. Even though I wasn't asking for my fucking star sign, thank you. Thank you for reminding me that I have a lot more important things to invest my energy into.