speak and spell.

Time has passed by quickly that it feels somewhere between September and October already. I've been a happy balance of both busy and lazy but I feel so exhausted, physically and emotionally, that time has lost all meaning. I'm into my third week of school and I have that first grade glow about me when I'm there. When I'm not there, I forget I actually have school work to do and finding the motiviation to do it is like trying to find the motivation to slit my wrists, I just don't want to.

I think part of the reason I don't write on this little blog anymore is because I'm sick of writing about my bullshit problems and trivial rants. I'm sick to death of hearing about it, I'm sure others are. And besides, I've made a promise to myself that this year I try to be more private. I have this problem you see, I'm an open book. You can read my facial expressions as clear as black and white. Even my face denies me the right to be mysterious. And if I'm not failing to keep my own secrets then I'm projectile vomiting it out to anyone with ears and a brain. Talk less. Think more.

Dear Miss Taylor,

"Congratulations, you have been offered a place at RMIT University in 2010...."

Finally.

And I'm not complaining about the long wait to recieve such positive news, I mean, FINALLY I have followed through with something I truely want for myself and I achieved just that. Every year I would come up with some pipe dream to study and every year would end with me saying "perhaps next year". But not this time. This time I did it.  It doesn't come with out hurdles and changes and debt beyond my mental capacity but all that takes backseat because now I have something positive to put all my energy into.

I use the word 'backseat' loosly and almost quite literally,  all those problems are still causing me to stress to the point of enlarged organs (thats another story) they're literally like the annoying children in the backseat screaming at me, "ARE WE THERE YET?! ARE WE THERE YET?!". I have to keep stopping myself from turning around and screaming right back, "DON'T MAKE ME TURN THIS CAR AROUND!".  Because, can I really do this? Can I go back to school and do well? It's been almost 6 years since I last studied and I remember being 17 and hating it. Although, I'm older now and sometimes like to think myself wiser but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't filled with nervous butterflies.

I think I'll be one of those nerdy uni students, perhaps I'll even swap my contact lens for thick, black rimmed glasses and quote lines from Woody Allen films. I'll wear baggy cardigans and no make up and start eating sushi. Who am I kidding? I fucking hate sushi.
I have other interesting and confusing events taking place but I'm keeping this one close at heart. I wouldn't know where to start anyway.

tea, anyone?

I've been neglecting this little blog for a couple of weeks now. Come to think of it, I've been neglecting a lot of things lately. From trying to find a new job down to taking 3 dirty plates, 2 half drunk mugs of tea and two beers down to the kitchen. My priorites are all messed up and I find myself putting so much energy into all the wrong things. If I only I could take that energy and tranfer into something useful, something creative and productive. The thing is, I can do that but my mind tends to travel elsewhere and I daydream the days away. It's already nearing the end of January and this year has already proved to be difficult. No major decisions have been made but that truely is not my fault. Still awaiting a much anticipated letter but I fear it'll be too late anyway, giving me only one option in the end. Makes it easier I guess. Still craving change, the only thing I could afford to fullfill such a big wish was getting my fringe cut. Baby steps.

Kicking old habits and learning from my mistakes has been my ultimate goal lately. Achieve that and hopefully I'll stop neglecting such tedious chores. Which is a good thing, the milk in my mug of tea has started to evaporate. Seriously.


*HI DAVID!

And so it is..

 The 5th of January. I dreaded today, I even almost wanted to take the day off work to hide under my doona all day and cry. But to be honest, I'm handling it all a lot better than I thought I would. Although I plan on surrounding myself with family and friends tonight to ease the pain. I still remember this day three years ago. Funny story actually. I had gone out the night before and drank myself into a well mess. I woke up in Hannah's apartment only wearing a tiny blue peticoat. Something didn't feel right. After a big night out I always check that I have my belongings because chances that I have lost something are usually pretty high. Yep, it was one of those nights. Passport, telephone and camera, all gone. Thank god I had Hannah's house keys. I raced down the street to Alex's house, still wearing nothing but a tiny blue peticoat, hoping he could help me out. He wasn't much better off than me so figuring out what happened the night before was making my head spin. Long story short....I fell over quite alot causing massive carpet burns to the kneecaps, my friend Andy helped me home and put my phone in the letterbox, the passport was found near Dylan's computer (no doubt trying to check my Myspace when I got home) but the camera was long gone. I was a wreck. I hadn't felt that hung over in a long time. No, actually that's a lie, I was going out a lot in those days.

I spent all day feeling sorry for myself until Hannah called me and invited me over to Will's brother's house where he was house sitting. They drove over and picked me up, gave me a hug and reassured me that everything would be okay. The hang over subsided. And then I met him. Safe to say, I wasn't looking my best. I had those hung over, glazed eyes, my kneecaps were speckled with blood and I didn't wash my hair as I was going for that 'bed head' look. I said "Hello" and he said "Oh my god Jen! What happened to your knees!!!???". The night entailed smoking too much weed in the heat, stealing garden gnomes, rearranging people's gardens, playing in the park, eating Thai Beef Salad, dancing with sparklers and watching Donnie Darko with a kiss. And as the famous saying goes, the rest is history.

I look back fondly and smile with watery eyes. Don't be sad it's over. Be happy that it happened.

I want an Ipod filled with bands I've never heard of.
I want a party where nobody knows my name.
I want a story thats never been told.

2010

I haven't written on this for some time now.  I haven't felt much like writing lately and I guess life has gotten in the way. Christmas and New Years has been and gone and I've spent a lot of time drinking, eating and sleeping on my time off work. Today however, is the first day back at this god forsaken hell hole. A slight tear rolled down my cheek as I entered the building. Please oh please don't be here for another year!

You know how they say the way you spend New Years is the way you'll spend the rest of the year? Well hopefully that's a load of bullshit, otherwise I have a very lonely yet over dramatic year ahead of me. The one thing I hoped wouldn't happen, did. I stood side by side with my ex for New Years count down and even though I love the guy to bits and for the first part of the night was having an amazing fun time with him, there was still a lot of sadness. After all we've been through we still somehow managed to be together to ring in 2010. What the fuck?  But that sadness soon turned into drunken drama when it got too hard being around each other without actually being with each other. Which resulted in a quick exit in the rain to catch a cab outta there. Happy fucking New Year right?

But it's a brand new year, new decade even and today I'm having some sort of midday/life crisis. Craving change. My whole life situation needs to be flipped. A new job and a new home (the amount of rent I pay could save a whole village in Africa) are the first things I need to get my life in order ie. save money for my getaway plan. I still haven't heard back from Uni and to be honest I keep forgetting I even applied. Once I hear the verdict then it's time to make some big decisions.

I also need a massive detox in the boy department. 2009 saw a lot of fleetings flings with a scatter of complete douchbags. I plan on being a lot more wiser this year with my choices. But boys is the last thing I'm concerned about right now. I've wasted too much energy and time playing games. I'm out.

New Year, new job, new home, new savings account, new outlook on life. I'm wishing myself all the luck in the world, cos I'm going to need it!